


Facebook 1 - Voldemort 0

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Facebook, Gen, Nonsense, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 22:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Crucio!” he repeated, this time with more intensity. Malfoy, who knows where from, took out a file and started getting his nails done.“Did you check the expiration date Vol-, erk, most illustrious eminence, Your Royal Highness, Majesty, High, Mighty, Pure and Regal?” he asked, innocent.





	Facebook 1 - Voldemort 0

**Author's Note:**

> My only prompt was to write something crack. So, no, I've got absolutely no justification for this.

He sat down at the posh desk in Lucius Malfoy’s office.

He cracked his knuckles.

A finger fell.

“Lack-a-daisy!” he muttered. He grabbed it, took some Elmer’s and attached it back. “Next time I’ll better check that Potter’s blood hasn’t gone bad before using it for a spell.” he told himself, before starting to mess about with the weird _machine_ in front of him.

He pushed the start button, as Draco had explained to him, and waited.

When the monitor lightened up, it scared the hell out of him.

On the desktop, a picture.

Of Lucius.

Into a lace corset.

“Crucio!” he screamed, aiming the wand toward the thing. When he didn’t see it reacting, he filled with indignation. “For the sake of a thousand rancid pants of Merlin! I’m Lord Voldemort! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! The Dark Lord! The winner of the 2010’s edition of Celebrity Survivors! How dare you not react to my spell, you stupid Muggle contraption?!” he screeched, with a pitch worthy of an hysterical little lady.

He couldn’t deny it any longer. He was about to be reached by a galloping menopause, and it freaked him out very much.

He took a flowery fan, probably belonging to Lucius, and he started to blow.

_Insert password._

“Password?” he repeated the words appeared on the monitor, as if it was ancient Aramaic. He thought about it for a moment, then he typed, confident.

_Avada Kedavra._

_Beeeeep. Wrong password._

“Darn it.” he said, in between his teeth.

_Crucio._

_Beeeeep. Wrong password._

_Imperio._

_Beeeeep. Wrong password._

_Draco._

_Beeeeep. Wrong password._

_Smurfalongwithme._

_Beeeeep. Wrong password._

“Luciuuuuuuuuuuuus!” he screamed with all the voice he had.

Hopping cheerfully and waving the blond hair, Lucius Malfoy made his entrance.

“Did you call, Voldy?” he asked. The other’s face became instantly red. Then he realized he couldn’t really turn any different colour than white, and bounced back.

“Voldy? How dare you?! Crucio!” he aimed the wand toward the wizard, who didn’t react.

“Crucio!” he repeated, this time with more intensity. Malfoy, who knows where from, took out a file and started getting his nails done.

“Did you check the expiration date Vol-, erk, most illustrious eminence, Your Royal Highness, Majesty, High, Mighty, Pure and Regal?” he asked, innocent.

Voldemort spun the wand, until he found little numbers embedded on it.

“October thirty nineteen eighty one?” he said, horrified. “But then Potter’s not the Chosen One, he lived just because the wand had expired the day before!” he complained.

“Perhaps that’s the reason why you don’t have your nose, my Liege.” Lucius ventured, getting closer to the computer. “What were you trying to do, anyway?” he asked, not giving him time to reply.

“Shut up and give me your bloody password, Lucius.” Voldemort said, grimacing.

“How can I shut up _and_ give you my password?”

“Give it to me!”

“Are you really sure?”

“Give it to me, Lucius.”

“But I don’t know if I feel ready, my Lord. I mean... I’ve got to fall in love first!”

Voldemort stared at him. And stared. And stared.

When he realized he shouldn’t have given himself a palsy, he reacted.

“Lucius, for the red devils pants of Merlin, what the heck are you talking about?!”

“Well, you asked me to give it to you and I’ve said I don’t feel like it. I mean, you didn’t even have some manners and asked me to dinner first!” he replied, indignant.

“The password, Lucius. Give me that all damned password.” he shrieked. Malfoy got offended, and got closer to the keyboard.

“You should have an ob-gyn check on you, these hormonal fluctuations aren’t good at all.” he muttered. “The password is _wakawakaeheh_.” he said, then. Voldemort typed it in, and finally he could use the computer.

“Perfect. Now, create a Facebook account.” he ordered. Lucius gave him a sly grin.

“Are you giving in to the flavour of the month?” he insinuated. Voldemort raised his nos... erk, nostrils, trying to look proud.

“Hogwash, Lucius. It’s a way to recruit new converts.” he explained.

“Ok, ok, whatever you say... and what name should I use?”

“Lord Voldemort, of course.” the blond shook his head repeatedly.

“No, no! You can’t, nobody is going to befriend you with such a colourless name!”

“How dare you! My name is a symbol of power, it took me ages to make it up!”

“I’m sure you’re not the one to come up with anagrams.” Lucius muttered.

“Besides, I don’t want to be friends with these people! Lord Voldemort has got no friends!” he protested, like a little girl who just got her Barbie stolen. 

“It’s a figure of speech, My Lord. No one is actually friend to anyone on Facebook. They just pretend, it’s a race to who got more. You know, it’s not fancy anymore in the twenty-first century racing for whose is bigg...”

“Lucius!” Voldemort protested, and didn’t let him go on. “And let’s see, what name should I use, in your opinion?”

“Well, something to attract the younger ones, something intriguing. Let me handle it.” he took possession of the keyboard, he created the profile and then took a step back, satisfied. Voldemort leant toward the monitor and opened his eyes wide.

“Lord Bìeberino4everinlòve Voldemort?!!?!?”

“Of course! Do you have any idea how many girls you’ll reel in this way? You could be famous!”

“I’m already famous.” he pointed out, about to burst into tears. Lucius patted his shoulder.

“I’m sorry to say it to you, but it’s not like you have this many admirers. Look.” he went to Lord Voldemort’s official page to show it to him.

_Bellatrix Ikilledsiriusblack Lestrange and Peter Mouseface Pettigrew like this element._

“Just two people like it?!” he screamed, punching the computer. “Oooooooouch!” he complaint right after.

“My Lord! You don’t have the age anymore to go around punching things!” Lucius pointed out. “There, there, a little kiss and the booboo goes away.” Voldemort started sucking on his finger, while a glistening tear ran down his face.

“Ok, it’s better.” he said, typing again. “There, now let’s start sending out friend requests.”

He spent the rest of the day looking for friends to add, even among his enemies, so that he could spy on them better. He smiled, satisfied.

He would’ve conquered the Magical World in the blink of an eye.

 

~

 

The next day, he turned the computer on again. He input the password, closed his eyes in front of that miserable picture of Lucius and connected to the internet.

_14523658475 new notifications._

He clicked and started going through them.

_Albus Pipeweed Dumbledore has accepted your friend request._

“Brilliant! Old letch, I got you in my pocket!” he went straight away on his profile, but he was bitterly disappointed. He just shared links about candies and various types of drugs, nothing actually useful.

_Severus Afterallthistimealways Snape has refused your friend request._

He was about to go nuts, when Lucius entered the room.

“Lucius! That slovenly Snape has refused my request! Shiver me timbers, how dares he?!” Lucius frowned, then he started grinning.

“You didn’t miss much Captain Ho... erk, My Lord. He only shares heartbreaking links, stuff like ‘Eyes are the first thing I look in a woman’, ‘When your archenemy marries the love of your life’, ‘L’Oreal because I’m worth it’... stuff like that.” Voldemort turned up his nos... nostrils and kept going through the notifications.

_Harry IsawCedricdieIsawhimcomingbackIdancewithwolves Potter has accepted your friend request._

“Potter! That bloody Potter has accepted my friend request! What a fool! And they say he’s the Chosen One! He’s the Chosen One of my boots!” Lucius stared at the illustrious feet.

“My Lord, you don’t wear boots.”

“It’s a figure of speech, Lucius.”

“Why don’t you say ‘He’s the Chosen One of my very trendy Franciscan-style sandals’, then?” he insisted.

Voldemort threw a paperweight at him, ending the discussion.

“Let’s see Potter’s photos!”

Potter kissing Weasley. Potter kissing Draco. Potter kissing Severus. Potter kissing Sirius. Potter kissing Remus. Potter kissing the bu... erk, Ginny.

“Bloody hell, doesn’t he have anything better to do?” he screamed at Lucius, who had just stood back up and was massaging his aching head.

“My Lord, I doubt he’s going to write on Facebook his evil plans to defeat you. Supposing that he’s even capable of thinking about something at times, and he doesn’t just wait for someone to die in his place.” Lucius pointed out.

More and more discouraged, Voldemort looked at the notifications again.

_Hermione Goldenlockschocolateeyes Granged sent you a message._

_“Hi! This message is for all those who deem despicable the way chairs are treated. It’s not fair for them to have such a lousy job, to always sustain us, to be forced to bear our weight! They’ve got a soul too!_

_To participate to the initiative Ho One Little You, Save cHairs In Time (shortened, H.O.L.Y.S.H.I.T.), share on your wall the acronym of the initiative, followed by the second letter of the name of the person closest to you, the second to last letter of your name and the place where the closest chair to you is right now!_

_Thank you, you’ll make a million chairs, stools and benches all over the world happy!”_

Voldemort stared at the monitor for a few seconds, then he started thinking and typed:

“Holy shit, U R Under My Butt.” Lucius, convinced that the Dark Lord was by now too long in the tooth, tear away his hands from the keyboard.

“Let’s go, My Lord. You’re getting hot flashes, it’s better that I take you out for a walk.” he said, sounding like a nurse in a hospice.

“But... but I...” Voldemort tried to protest, but the other one didn’t listen.

“Sure, sure, we’re changing the diaper first, don’t you worry.”

“I... I want Facebook.” the other blabbed, still staring at the screen.

“I know, it happens, it can turn into an obsession, but you don’t really want to become a geek, do you?”

“A ge-what?” he repeated.

“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry, grandma Lucius’ with you.”

“Oh.” he said, still confused. They went out in the garden, and they walked until Voldemort stopped, turning toward Lucius.

“Can we create a Twitter account tomorrow?”

Lucius sighed.

“Easy, My Lord. Before Twitter you’ve got to practice a little with Facebook and...”

“I want a Twitter account, I want a Twitter account! All my girlfriends have it and also celebrities! And I want to dance in Shakira’s next clip! And I want to go to Miley Cyrus’ concert!” he protested, stomping his feet, without even noticing when one of them fell down, attacked right away from the neighbours’ dog.

“Alright, My Lord, I’ll do whatever pleases you, as always.” Lucius replied, waving his thick hair.

“That’s right. You deal with it, Lucius. I’ve got much to do. See you tomorrow night.”

“Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?”

“The same thing we do every night, Lucius.”

“Try to take over the world?”

“Of course not! Braiding the hair of My Little Pony!”


End file.
